Frankly
I don't see myself happy in this town anymore
Everywhere I look, there a reminder stands
Here is where I met my rapist
Here is where I held my pregnant belly
and smiled at my chosen name
I cried on that bench
I destroyed my reputation in that house
and I fucked up my job in that building

I want a kitten, my boyfriend, and a house far, far away from this place
where I don't have to hold my breath while entering a bar
wondering if my attacker will be there
I want a kitten so I have some kind of young life to take care of
the original young life is dead, flushed down a toilet, as if its part of a daily ruitine
I want my boyfriend, he is the only thing that puts a genuine smile on my face
he gets me, and actually gives a fuck.

2 days ago was the one year anniversary of my rape, it messed with me, allot. I'm still crying.

And that's all I wanted to vent.

My journey to being a feminist started with my best friend Jen. A wonderfully independent woman who stands for her beliefs she is so passionate about. The first person I felt one hundred percent comfortable  talking about my sexuality, being bi sexual makes it even harder to find someone to talk to about things. I told her about how I was so uneducated in sex because I was home schooled  by a religious family. She then handed me the book "Cunt". The book changed my life, I suddenly had such a  strong connection to my body I had always craved. I was Angie, finally, I was breaking out of the mold and becoming my blossoming self. Almost as if I were a 12 year old girl first growing her breasts and growing a form in her hips. I got off the pill and experienced my body's natural cycle, and found to be even more comfortable with myself, it was amazing.

Jen and I started having conversations, where we discussed out beliefs, from feminism, to what happens when we die, and how we will never know, but we  came up with theories of what might happen. During these discussions, a spiritual side opened up inside of me, and I found my belief. Karma. That simple. All religions boil down to the fact that you should be a good person. But religions are so caught up on proving that they are the right ones and everyone else is wrong. Although it is not often recognized, organized religion is nothing other than a flock of cults, fighting like barbarians.

One night Jen said she considered me a feminist. I said I doubt I qualify as a feminist. But day after day, she would tell me I am, and I started to become curious weather or not I was. We attended Take Back the Night, where I experienced feminism first hand. I heard brave women's rape stories, and couldn't imagine the horror of being raped.

A month and a half ago I was raped by an ex-boyfriend. It was the most horrible thing I have been through, the term "it's my body, I'll do with it as a please" was stripped from me. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome took a heavy toll on me. But I made a decision a few days after the rape that I was not going to be quiet about it. I went to the Virginia Tech Women's Center, where I was treated with such gentleness and empathy, that I finally felt a glimmer of hope for myself . My counselor and little sister Ashleigh went with me to the police and listened me tell my horrifying story to two detectives and a recorder. I was asked uncomfortable questions and felt so awkward. Afterwards though, I felt so empowered. I had not hidden what this man had stolen from me, I stood up for me and all women who are victims of such things. There was not enough evidence to prosecute him, so charges were dropped. But to this day, I am still proud of myself for standing up and speaking. 1 out of 4 women are raped, and soooo many of those women who are raped do not speak up. I wanted to be a voice for these women. I told everyone, not afraid, not ashamed. I knew, if I told all my male friends and family about it, they would see the effects of rape, and how it hurt me so much. I know none of them would ever rape someone, and that is worth speaking up for.

After this experience of speaking up, I realized I was a feminist, without a doubt, a feminist. I was afraid of the generalized term for it "an angry lesbian who hates all men." During my decisions to define myself as a feminist, I was reading another life changing book loaned to me by Jen. "Feminism is for Everyone." This book opened my eyes to what feminism really is. It is  a fight for equality for BOTH sexes. I stand for that, and always will.

I now have my feminist tattoo on the back of my shoulder representing my strength through the healing process of rape, and of course for my feminism.

When your head is above water
take a deep breath
because you'll be taken under again
pain, agony, it just loves the taste of your skin
your screaming in agony
and all people see is another sad girl
theres a ton of them.
But can't they see this is important?
that you need help?
Of course they don't see that
your supposed to put on a happy face for everyone else
they don't need to see who you really are
and what is this girl?
Is she just another sad girl?
No, she is human, she bleeds
see her wounds?
her scars and scabs?
she has been attacked.
and you never saw it.
how?

Trapped in a place of discontent  
I am scared
Lonely
Afraid
Angry
Disturbed
The moment I find peace, a little garden, hidden from the world
It is ripped away from me
Karma has forgotten me
an I have remembered love
It tears at me
Beats me
and when I think it is done
it comes and returns for more
Oh fate, why do you hate me so?
I have been good, why am I surrounded by bad?
How am I to get over something that is continuous?
My heart being open is the worst of my decisions
Yet I keep going to back to it
as if I"m addicted to the pain
Is there a love rehab?
Because I think I need to find my peace there
Men, women, whatever. I hate how I love them
Hate it
It's a continuous  game if chess I never win
No matter my tactics
or strategy
I lose
I am the looser of love
Is this forever?
or just a circle we will always follow?
Why can't I swim against the current?
Most importantly, why can't I remember  how to swim?

For your convenience
Fast food restaurants have been invented to mass produce the killing of animals.

For your convenience
Fast food restaurants have invented drive thrus  where people waste gas, get frustrated at the line, and even more frustrated when they got onions on their burger when the specifically asked for no onions.

For your convenience
Little children in China are forced to make toys for you, covered in lead.

For your convenience, cars were invented to quickly get you from point A to point B with little fuss, and yet carpooling still hasn't become this big thing with people to help save our environment.
For your convenience
Multiple magical diet pills have been invented so you don't have to do any honest good work to get healthy again.

For your convenience
Television is new way to entertain your brain, as opposed to reading a book that can enlighten and even change your life.

For your convenience
America has made everything available at your fingertips, creating generation after generation of lazy asses.